Jul 14 Thursday

Spandex, Wax and Ham Sandwiches

I am not a fan of swimsuits. Yes, they are necessary. I mean, have you ever tried to swim in a t-shirt?

What women go through to wear bathing suits, with an eensy weensy bit of self confidence, is appalling. First of all, you have hair removal.

Shaving is fan-freaking-tastic. Until you get goosebumps immediately after stepping out of the shower or go near your bikini line. (Hello itchy red bumps.)

The alternative, waxing is completely archaic. Of course, it’s also the best option.

At the start of the summer, I put on my brave face, and my best tiny under britches, and headed to a local salon to try to get a control on “areas neglected” as we sped full force into lycra/spandex season.

The esthetician was super sweet and instantly put me at ease. Which was difficult considering she had me in positions my husband hasn’t seen me in for years.

Then she got to work. Hot wax, attaches to tiny hairs, in incredibly sensitive areas, then is further pressed on by cloth strips and RIPPED off.

RIPPED.

Holy Mary Mother of Pain.

There were not “Just two pulls!” There were more like sixteen. I am fairly certain I passed out on the 4th pull after sitting up and screaming a profanity.

The irony was, my legs were still hairy. You’re welcome for that nice visual.

No joke, I think they charged me double. For obvious reasons. I am a busy mom of three who has body parts that haven’t seen the light of day since last summer. Or ever.

I will tell you that with less to worry about in that arena, I enjoyed the first few weeks of summer poolside. My kiddos love the water and I came to the conclusion that sunning like a lizard, while keeping constant vigilance over the pool, is FAR better than folding laundry, cleaning the house or scrubbing toilets.

Plus, I had no bikini spiders to worry about.

Within a few weeks, I had the semblance of a tan. For some people, being a non-pasty white shade is normal in the summer. Not for me.

So, up goes my confidence in a swim suit. A smidgen. Because we ALL know that when you’re tan(ish) your cellulite is reabsorbed into your body and completely disappears until fall.

Fast forward to date night. I made SuperHub shop at stores I never get to enjoy with kids in tow. He was miserable as I decided to take a gander at the latest styles in ladies swimwear at TJMaxx. Thinking I would maybe jazz things up a bit from my normal black sheeth. I picked up a kicky red suit, with ruching in the mid drift.

Note to You (You being men): Ruching is a gathering of fabric that gives an illusion of thinner mid section, while comfortably allow a post baby tummy to be free.

SuperHub, who simply pulls on a pair of swimtrunks and jumps in a pool, doesn’t understand the complexity of a proper fitting swimsuit. Especially a bright red, one piece. He thinks I look pretty in a pillowcase. He doesn’t understand why women worry like we do.

SuperHub: “Red is nice. What’s the fabric in the middle?”

Me: “It’s called ruching. It’s essential for hiding things.”

SuperHub: “Hiding things? Like a ham sandwitch?”

He is a funny one.

So. I didn’t get the swim suit. Although the idea of having a space to store extra ham sandwiches was tempting, I decided that additional landscaping might be required to wear it with confidence for the remainder of the season.

And another wax isn’t happening.

Until next spring.

In the meantime, I think I will go make myself a ham sandwich.

  • Posted By: Hillary

    You should turn right back around and head to TJMaxx to get that suit! If it’s anything like the one in the photo, you’d be a knockout! You had a post some time ago about not being too hard on ourselves as women and as moms (If I am remembering correctly). No one is going to judge you as harshly as you do. Who gives a crap what they think any way. You are a great mom of three bundles of joy and fun. You’ve also done a lot of work at Farrell’s, take pride in those things. Then again, maybe I am missing the point entirely…

    On another note, I can say I have waxed my own legs and armpits (which I do NOT recommend!). Legs are more painful than you would think. But holy frijoles, I have not had that area waxed and after reading your adventures in waxing, I don’t believe I’ll be signing up! :) Enjoy the summer and yourself!

  • Posted By: Katy

    Hillary – I love you! You know what? I fully just intended to make fun of myself but when I re-read it, I came across as loathing my figure. Not true. I love all my jiggly parts and everything I’ve accomplished to get them. Even liking the batter filled cookie dough spoon! I should go get that suit and rock it. Body hair and all! OH MY. I would have to make SuperHub wax me. I am not sure I could pull the wax off! Just thinking about it makes me flinch. You’re tough! I had my legs done once. Never again. The back of the ankles was torture. :) Hope you and your beautiful self are enjoying summer too! oxo

  • Posted By: Kirsten

    The best thing for your confidence in a swimsuit??? A trip to Hawaii. Here the only people wearing a swimsuit with confidence are 20 years old and nubile and have no idea what it means to be told “you are measuring at 36 weeks.” There, everyone goes to the beach. Young, old, pregnant, large, small etc. You haven’t lived until you have seen a shrivelled Hawaiian man of about 80 years old in a speedo or a rotund Hawaiian woman with 8 children wearing a thong bikini! : )

  • Posted By: Hillary

    I am glad to hear that! I just didn’t want you feeling down or down on yourself and had to throw in my two cents. Your posts often help us moms feel better about our decisions, our challenges, and so on, I wanted to help do the same for you! But you are right, it is very hard to pull the wax off yourself. Pretty much it came down to…well, it’s on me now and it’s gotta come off! I did need my hub’s help for the armpits, though. That was just a little too much to take! :) And a trip to Hawaii sounds like a good idea!

  • Posted By: Molly Zastrow

    Isn’t ruching the best!?!? Learned about it from Stacy and Clinton on What not to Wear. And for the record, I did buy a kicky red one piece for summer and I love it! GO back and get that one for you! ;) And I have to share the link for my suit cuz it is from our fave, Von Maur! http://www.vonmaur.com/Product.aspx?ID=50241&Sale=y&pg=5

  • Posted By: Meleah

    But….but….how do I pull off covering my thighs with ruching. *le sigh*

  • Posted By: Amanda

    Your cousin Melinda sent me your blog! Nice to meet you.

    I have not ever worked up the nerve to wax anything other than whatever grows haphazardly on my face. And I hate every minute of doing it. And then I TIP the person that put me through it. So messed up.
    Have you ever tried a Land’s End suit? They cost 4 million dollars, except for right now when they have a major sale, and they have seriously cute tankini options for those of us that have pushed out young.

    I’ll be back!

  • Posted By: Katy

    Kirsten – I am booking a plane ticket shortly! HEY OH! When we were in Jamaica it was the same vibe and I LOVED IT. I thought these people were the most intriguing. Confidence does wonders!

  • Posted By: Katy

    Hillary – I love you!

  • Posted By: Katy

    Molly! I tried on that suit. It’s GORGEOUS! I am certain you make it look good mama! oxo

  • Posted By: Katy

    Meleah – What? Your thighs are made of steel. And love.

  • Posted By: Katy

    Amanda – Welcome! I love Melinda, which means, I love you. :) Yes, Lands End is the current fave for my spandex wear. Now, and in early January, they have clearance and free shipping which makes their collections so much more reasonable. And they are the best suits for keeping it all in! I hope you come back and enjoy what you read. Best! kt