Dec 12 Sunday

Dad

I am not sure what to fill this empty space with.

There are so many things to say and very few words. The sadness within me is so heavy, so concentrated, when I cry it’s like pushing an orange through a funnel. Besides the pain in my chest, there is the mental exhaustion which has set in and rendered me borderline useless. Giving my kids a bath, taking a shower, heating up water for a cup of tea; things that were done without thought just over a week ago, now seem to require more energy than I can muster in my entire body.

As too many of you know, grief causes physical as well as emotional pain.

And oh the pain.

The one thing that goes through my mind, time and time again, is the thought of my dad the last time I talked to him. It was late, the night before he was killed. Eight hours before he would no longer be here on Earth with us.

His sweet, loving goodbye.

I miss my dad.

I miss his beautiful face. Silver hair. The warm Old Spice aroma of his cheek after a shower on a Sunday afternoon. His (always) patient smile. The gentle strength that filled any room he was in. The twinkle in his eye as he glanced at my mom, the love of his life. I miss his daily words of wisdom. His laugh. Early cups of coffee together. The way he cradled my kids, nieces and nephew in his arms. The way he pulled his car across the bottom of my driveway, sideways, when he came over to help around the house. I miss his mid-afternoon calls to check in. The early Saturday morning calls to request his buddy Cooper be ready “In 10 minutes” so they could go on an all day adventure, usually ending with a can of root beer and some new treasure that Grandpa knew Cooper couldn’t be without.

I miss my dad.

In his life, my dad worked hard, helped everyone, loved unconditionally, accomplished much, gave generously and taught many what it was to be a good person. His life’s celebration was a admirable display of a life well lived.

I loved it more than I hated the untimely manner in which it seemed to come.

Note to You:
I do not care if you think I am crazy.

My dad is still here with us. I feel him. I talk to him. I see the signs he sends along the way. This may be the only thing keeping me sane right now. In the first hour I learned of his passing, I begged him not to leave me. Not yet. And he hasn’t.

I was lucky to have 31, almost 32 years, of a childhood. My dad took care of me at every curve in the road. Last Saturday, I became an adult. It was the moment, I feel, my dad had made sure we were well prepared for.

My family is comprised of people I love more than myself. They are my rocks. We will get through this. We will continue to make Dad proud.

The strength I have right now, comes from my family and friends. Your words, kind deeds, hugs, smiles, stories and thoughts. There aren’t better words than “Thank you.”

Yes, I will let my close friends and family cook for us, clean my toilets and fold my under britches. I had no idea that this is what people do for people who are grieving. But I completely understand why and welcome the help.

I love you Dad. I miss you.

Always,

GKG, Katy Nagurski, Small Fry

  • Posted By: Kris

    I never met your dad, but I know he was a wonderful man. Because you have learned from the best, and you share it with us. My heart aches for all of you, and I pray you will all have peace in your hearts again soon. Love you!!

  • Posted By: Sara

    Beautifully written. Your did IS still with you, and he always will be. He looked over you in life and will look over you now, as your angel.
    xoxoxo
    asdfjkl;

  • Posted By: Lori Walsh

    This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us. Your Dad is & will always be with you. His spirit lives within all of you guys. Never stop talking to him…he hears each & every word. He is so incredibly proud of his family right now. Big hugs!

  • Posted By: Jess

    Hugs, Katy. He would be proud of such beautiful words.

  • Posted By: Katie

    Kay, this was beautiful. What an amazing tribute to your dad!

  • Posted By: Angela Calloway

    Moved at 6 am. You are one incredible person, Katy.

  • Posted By: Rachel

    Oh my goodness, this makes me love your dad and I of course never met him Katy. What beautiful words your dad has so much to be proud of in you and your amazing family.

  • Posted By: Camie

    Katy- You are an exceptionally strong woman. Take all the time you need to grieve- your dad deserved that! Love ya

  • Posted By: pets

    You are amazing as is your Dad. Thank you for sharing. Sending positive energy and healing thoughts to you and your family.

  • Posted By: Kellie

    What a beautiful tribute to your dad. I’m so sorry for you loss and the pain. I never met your Dad but he sounds like such an amazing man.
    Love,
    Kellie

  • Posted By: Mandy

    Amazing Katy. I do not doubt your Dad is with you- and always will be. My prayers and heart are with you. God Bless.

  • Posted By: Melinda

    I know he is still there with you and always will be, you can feel and see it. I love you guys.

    Melinda

  • Posted By: Vickie Weuve

    Thanks Katy for sharing from your heart which I knowing is hurting deeply. Such a beautful tribute to your Dad. He was an amazing man to many, especially your Mom and family. I wish I would have known him. In some ways your Dad reminds me of my own, which is why his untimely death touched me so deeply. Eight years have passed since my Dad died. In the beginning it was not easy. The pain of losing someone you love is unlike anything else. It’s hard to grasp the reality of the loss…the pain associated with that loss. Now not, nor anytime in the near future, but someday the sun will shine in your world again. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you journey through your grief. Each person grieves in their own way, and in their own timeframe. And don’t let anyone tell you that you will “get over it” because it just isn’t so. But what will happen is that someday the day will come and you will find you have learned to accept that which you cannot change and move forward. Your Dad will always be a part of you and now watches over you from Heaven above. My prayers continue for you and your family.

  • Posted By: Vickie Weuve

    Katy – here’s a website that you might find helpful –

    http://www.hospicefoundation.org

    Years ago I worked for a hospice as a Bereavement Coordinator. This site has a lot of good information that may be helpful to you and your family.

    Take care…thinking of you,
    Vickie

  • Posted By: Jill

    You. Are. Amazing.
    When I lost my dad, I couldn’t feel aaanything for a long time. It’s wonderful for you to be able to talk about how you feel…and yes to talk to Him. My family continues to pray for you and your family every day.

  • Posted By: Hillary

    Hugs to you and your family! This is so wonderfully written & very moving! I hope you continue to see signs of him in the little things! I pray for you all!

    Lots of love,
    Hillary

  • Posted By: Sara in The MN

    Sending all my love Katy. And crazy hugs. I am so sorry.

  • Posted By: Courtney

    I know of mommymishmash.com thru my sister Jess. I have to say, this post literally brought me to tears. I can imagine how painful it must be to lose a parent. Please know that even though I dont know you personally, you and your family are continually in my prayers.

  • Posted By: Molly Zastrow

    Katy, what a beautifully written tribute to your dad. I cannot imagine what you all are going through. Thinking of you always. xoxox

  • Posted By: Annette

    My heart breaks for you, Katy. Hang in there sweetheart.

  • Posted By: Cottage Coastal Store, Inc ~ Kim

    So beautifully written….

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