The Brown’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Last week, we had a day that started off as a gorgeous, cool morning. C-to-the-Ooper was off to school so the girls and I spent the vast majority of our time in the kitchen futzing around. We danced, sang and perfected a new recipe as Pandora played all of our favorite tunes.

After a quick afternoon nap for Sam, we packed up our goods and hit the road. This is where I will stop giving you details and draw you a time-line.

Disclaimer: Not for those who gag easily.

2:30 pm Sam’s stomach rejects all contents in the back seat of the car. For 3 miles straight.

2:35 pm There is now puke in the car vents and a 4 year old screaming “I can’t take it anymore! She SMELLS!”

2:40 pm Arrive at Mom’s house: Remove Sam, her car seat and vomit from my car. Take Mom’s car to fetch Cooper from school, leaving the girls for my mom to bathe and clean up. (Thank you JESUS for my mom.)

3:00 pm Cooper’s smile makes things better.

3:05 pm Arrive home to fetch Sam new clothes and diapers just to realize I have no keys, no garage door opener and our house is locked up like Fort Knox. (Remember, I have my mom’s car.)

3:06 pm Cooper and I laugh.

3:08 pm Get a call from my mom that Sam has pooped all over her play room carpet. I hear “Large piles, oh boy!” and end the call.

3:09 pm Still laughing.

3:20pm Arrive at Mom’s house. Kiss Sammy, scrub poop out of carpet, disassemble and scrub car seat, scrub car and sanitize my entire body. I park it on my mom’s sofa and exclaim “Stick a fork in me, I am done.”

4:00 pm Maddy complains of tummy ache.

4:01 pm Dismiss tummy ache as “Side effect of watching your little sister hork monkey chunks all over the back seat of the car.”

4:30 pm My mom gives my kids cheese popcorn and apple juice for a snack.

5:00 pm Order pizza for pick-up. I need someone else to make dinner tonight.

5:05 pm Leave the kids at Mom’s house to fetch our dog & kiddo pjs from home, then to pick up pizza. I daydream of a double vodka soda, two limes and one seriously long (and regretful) drag of a Parliament cigarette.

5:45 pm Arrive back at Mom’s house. Maddy is on SuperHub’s lap crying. I take one look at her face and say “If you are going to puke, you need to go to the bathroom to do it.”

5:45:15 pm Maddy spews bright orange vomit all over the center of my parent’s beautiful living room carpet.

5:46 pm As I hold her hair, we cry together.

5:50 pm SuperHub and I simultaneously scrub carpet, all the while talking about how much we owe my parents under our breath.

6 – 11:45 pm We mobilize and go directly into Survival Mode. More stomach rebellions, snuggling & daydreams of vodka.

11:55 pm Finally get to sleep, on the couch, with Maddy, who insists on talking about how she threw up in daddy’s car the whole way home. “Out my nose, Mom.”

Note to You: This was the start of Puke Fest 2010 in Brown Town. Not only did I NOT know I was going to be in attendance, I didn’t know that all three kids and I were on the center stage the next day.

Good times.

Luckily, we all bounce. And a it’s great thing that my kids are walking into a new school year with new Turbo Boosted Immune Systems 3000.

Bad days are like taking a poop in a public restroom; you don’t want them to happen, they do anyway, you are always SUPER grateful when they are over and they can leave you walking a little funny for a while.