I have been known to spend $200 at the grocery store on healthy organic food, then realize it’s 5:45 pm and everyone in my family will begin to melt in t-minus 5 minutes if they don’t get immediate grubbage. So we go through McDonald’s drive-thru for Happy Meals and chocolate milk.
I avoid, at all costs, letting my kids play with the toys at the doctor’s office. In my mind, they are like little infected petri dishes. Instead I come prepared with an endless stream of illegal snacks, drinks and games of I Spy.
Sometimes I ignore my own children to look at photos of other people’s kids on Facebook.
People who get pregnant or engaged and suddenly want everyone else around them to be pregnant or engaged should be legally required to SHUT THE HELL UP.
I think moms parents need to give one another a big fat collective break. Seriously. Being a parent is difficult enough this day in age without feeling like you have to defend yourself to the nosy busy bodies of the world.
Three days a week, by 6 pm, I am convinced I am going back to work outside the home.
There was a day when we were brand loyal to everything from canned soup to under britches. Now it’s only a few products: Toilet paper, shampoo and kid’s shoes. After you have kids, you realize the importance of a nice 2-ply roll. No John Wayne toilet paper allowed in my house. (What is John Wayne toilet paper you ask? It’s rough and doesn’t take shit off of anyone.)
If you drop by my house unexpectedly, chances are I will throw my body in front of the door to avoid letting you see how messy my house is on a regular basis.
If you ask me any of the following questions, I shall flick you on the forehead:
What is your mortgage payment?
Can your 1 year old read yet? Oh mine can.
When are you due?