Sep 30 Wednesday

More Confessions of an Imperfect Wife (Mom)

I have been known to spend $200 at the grocery store on healthy organic food, then realize it’s 5:45 pm and everyone in my family will begin to melt in t-minus 5 minutes if they don’t get immediate grubbage. So we go through McDonald’s drive-thru for Happy Meals and chocolate milk.

I avoid, at all costs, letting my kids play with the toys at the doctor’s office. In my mind, they are like little infected petri dishes. Instead I come prepared with an endless stream of illegal snacks, drinks and games of I Spy.

Sometimes I ignore my own children to look at photos of other people’s kids on Facebook.

People who get pregnant or engaged and suddenly want everyone else around them to be pregnant or engaged should be legally required to SHUT THE HELL UP.

I think moms parents need to give one another a big fat collective break. Seriously. Being a parent is difficult enough this day in age without feeling like you have to defend yourself to the nosy busy bodies of the world.

Three days a week, by 6 pm, I am convinced I am going back to work outside the home.

There was a day when we were brand loyal to everything from canned soup to under britches. Now it’s only a few products: Toilet paper, shampoo and kid’s shoes. After you have kids, you realize the importance of a nice 2-ply roll. No John Wayne toilet paper allowed in my house. (What is John Wayne toilet paper you ask? It’s rough and doesn’t take shit off of anyone.)

If you drop by my house unexpectedly, chances are I will throw my body in front of the door to avoid letting you see how messy my house is on a regular basis.

If you ask me any of the following questions, I shall flick you on the forehead:
What is your mortgage payment?
Can your 1 year old read yet? Oh mine can.
When are you due?

  • Posted By: Kellie

    Ah, you are too funny! Love it all!

  • Posted By: Katie

    I am guilty of the first thing on your list too. It’s like I put all this energy into going grocery shopping with my three kids that by the time I’m done, I don’t want to make dinner any more.

    We are also toilet paper snobs.

  • Posted By: Ashley

    I can say ditto to pretty much every last one of those things…..BIG BIG ditto to the “What’s you mortgage payment?” Who does that??? So rude!

  • Posted By: Sara

    I forgot to tell you this one…
    The other day while doing hall duty:
    “Mrs. S., can I ask you a question?”
    “Sure.”
    “Are you pregnant?”
    “Do I look pregnant?”
    “Kind of.”
    I am now on a diet. The honesty of a 7th grade hurts sometimes! :o)

  • Posted By: Katy

    Stop it. You flicked her, no?

  • Posted By: Sara

    No flicking. Another teacher “talked” with her before I could even get a chance. I was given MAJOR apologies from her later in the day.

  • Posted By: Hillary

    Perfect? What parent is? I think it makes us all the better as parents to recognize that. The ones who are ignorant to their flaws are the ones with real problems.
    Oh, and what IS your mortgage payment? :) JK

  • Posted By: Katy

    Sara – I should hope so! Hopefully she learned a valuable lesson.

  • Posted By: Katy

    Hillary – Ignorance is bliss, unless you are a parent. :)

  • Posted By: Katy

    Oh and my mortgage payment is the same every month, thanks for asking!

  • Posted By: Meleah

    I have perfected the “throw myself in the doorway” move for unexpected visitors. It is an art form–you don’t want to make it look obvious, but you DEFINITELY want to hide the mess behind you. :)

  • Posted By: Mimi

    ok, so I have a child, but am not able to carry another….a lady at work,knowing my situation, asked me while patting my tummy if I was having a baby! DEFINITELY FLICKED her into next week…

    My mom had a saying “People are not going to remember me by how clean/messy my house is” and as I have aged, I realize what she means….however, thank god for barking dogs when someone drives up because I have it down to an art in flinging dishes into the dishwasher,stove and even under the sink as well as scooping up what is on the table and running it to the bedroom before they get to the door….

    M.