Archive for March, 2009
Originally posted March 21, 2009.
Your beautiful babies will someday reach an age when they choose to wash themselves in the bathtub. You might even find yourself buying those soapy little washcloths, that only require a little water to foam up, smelling like a lavender field on a summer day.
When you get to this point and you tell your kids to wash the “Essentials: Your face, hands and butt” be very specific about the order in which your kids wash what. My kids like to work from the bottom up.
Originally posted March 13, 2009.
I went to a nail salon to get a pedicure with my BFF Tho the other night. I wasn’t feeling well and what makes a girl feel better than a footrub?
As it goes, pedicures are not an unusual event for the two of us. SuperHub wishes they were. He thinks they are a waste of money. I would forgo eating to stockpile cash in my pedicure budget. I have ugly feet and will only allow myself to show them in flip flops when my tootsies are trim and pink as a spring tulip. Or candy apple red.
So we choose a fast, cheap(ish) place on the east side. You go in, raise your foot in the air, smile and they point to a chair. I picked out a kicky little pink bottle of color and went over to the chair I was assigned to. The tub was still full from the previous patron so the employee let the water down and sprayed it with a little hot water. She then started to fill it up and told me to sit.
I was horrified. Sometime between my last pedicure and this one I must have seen the Lamisil commercial one too many times. You know the one, where the little green fungus guy lifts up the toenail and hides under it? It gives me chills just thinking about it.
Neither one of us moved. Tho looked at me and you could tell she was thinking the exact same thing I was. Ewww.
“The bowl. It’s nasty. They didn’t clean it.” I squeaked out without moving my lips.
This is where we go from a having a nice experience to keep-your-mouth-shut-if-you-want-to-enjoy-your-cheap-pedicure. The thing is, I don’t always have the ability to keep my mouth shut. It’s genetic.
“Um, you didn’t clean the bowl. Could you please clean the bowl?”
“I washed with hot water.”
“Yeah…but no. Could you please clean the bowl?”
The gal was visibly angered by me being so forward and started ranting in another language at which point every employee in the place stops, looks at me and starts giggling and chattering. She takes out a bottle of Windex and sprays my bowl. I know it’s Windex. I can smell it. I use it every day in my own home. Blue vinegar = Windex.
I thought Tho was going to die. She was the color of my nail polish choice and could hardly talk she was laughing so hard.
So I get out my phone and text her.
They are talking about me. I know it. Why are they all laughing? I should have not said anything. I feel like I am in a movie.
The laughing and chatter continue and clearly, they are speaking about me. I know so. They are looking right at me! I tell myself it’s because I am extra hot today in my tiny pigtails and no makeup. The Windex must have been making me delusional.
Tho and I have been to this nail salon many times before and every single time I tell the same lady who does my toes, “Please do not scrub my feet. I am very ticklish and I have been known to kick people in the head. It’s a reflex. No scrub please.”
Every single time, the same lady scrubs my feet. It’s agony. I know she understands me and just likes to make me cry/laugh/pee my pants a little because she leans back on her stool as not to get kicked in the face. Accidentally of course.
So our feet get beautified and we pay our bill. I use my Visa.
I get my receipt back and my entire CC number, expiration date and name is on the receipt.
Geek Alert: This is an “ify” practice within PCI standards. PCI= Payment Card Industry, the global standard for payment card compliance/security. Basically if this business, who doesn’t know squat about hygiene, knows about the same amount about proper protection of records, someone could walk away and have a spending spree with my card. (Or so the voices in my head tell me.)
So I sign, then take my pen and scratch out all but the last four digits of my card number. The lady is puzzled so I say “Just to be safe!” with a big cheesy smile.
At this point the chatter begins and we hightail it for the door.
Let’s hope Windex kills fungus.
Originally posted March 11, 2009.
1.) I can tell within the first 7 seconds of a phone call if someone has a computer question for Super Hub. This happens more often than I care to tell you. I am contemplating setting hours and charging for his time. Everyone thinks he should know how to fix their problem right then, over the phone and if he can’t they get annoyed. I get it. I know their pain. See #4.
2.) There has been (at least) one occasion where Sam sat on the kitchen table, in her car seat, and I nearly backed out of the driveway without her. Two out of three ain’t bad.
3.) I bribe my children. Suckers, computer time, an extra story at night, whatever it takes. There have been times when they could have had a pony if their negotiation skills were a wee bit sharper.
4.) My laptop sits on my kitchen counter all day. I steal glances at it to stay in touch with the outside world. If our internet is down for some odd reason, I get really crabby and want Super Hub to fix it. Like, 5 minutes ago. See #1. Only it’s me calling him.
5.) There was a time and a place, I clearly recall, when I uttered the words “My kids will never eat McDonald’s or any other fast food.” We now eat a drive thru lunch at least once a week. Cooper even special requests cheese roll ups from Taco Bell. It’s called reality people.
6.) I believe that breast feeding is a choice. I don’t tell you what to do with your body fluids, don’t tell me what to do with mine.
7.) I love to grocery shop alone. At night. Preferably on a Friday. The shelves are full and it’s just me, the employees and some drunk guy in the frozen foods aisle, then chip aisle, then candy aisle trying to figure out what he has the munchies for. Usually he ends up with a frozen burrito and bouquet of flowers.
8.) When I do grocery shop with all three kids, it is a spectacle. Just ask many of my lovely blog readers. I am most recognized pushing the massive orange race car around Hy-Vee, exasperated with two sticky faced kids in the seat and poor Sammy in her car seat, in the basket, surrounded by frozen veggies and random Hot Deals. This week it was $.99 bags of cheese. Seriously, $.99 bags of cheese!
9.) Laundry is my biggest battle and one I consistently lose. Wash, dry, then re-wash what I (SuperHub) forgot to move to the dryer and dry, fold and put away. It’s not rocket science. It’s worse. When I get a kinky hair and get it all done no one can close their drawers and we run out of hangers.
10.) My kids watch TV. Sometimes they watch “more than the recommended amount” of TV in a day. I am perfectly OK with that. You should be too. If your kids don’t watch TV, you have more willpower than I do. Good for you! My kids know what a pigmy marmoset is, do yours? Team Diego!
11.) I feel guilty every time I say “I have no idea what I did when I only had (insert number less than three) kids!” around another parent. No one has it easy and more kids doesn’t make you any busier. Just crazier.
12.) When I am in the car alone, which rarely happens, I turn the radio up too loud and listen to trashy music like Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit and Shoop by Salt-N-Pepa. It is my therapy.