Archive for November, 2008

Nov 24 Monday

I Have Said “Poop” 23 Times Today And It Isn’t Even Noon

Originally posted November 24, 2008.

Every time I buy a pack of diapers for Rae Rae, I feel a cloud of judgment surround me like the stink of yesterdays diaper in the garage garbage can. It’s inescapable and can smack you in the face as you round a corner. She is nearly three and according to all the people who know how to raise her better than I do, she should be doing her business on a toilet.

Why isn’t she potty trained?”

Because. I could vomit upon you a flurry of reasons for which my daughter refuses to sit upon the porcelain throne. For now, it is simple. She won’t go on the toilet because she won’t go, without a fight, in general.

When she was 18 months old she loved the idea of going potty. By 2 she was nearly convinced and then it happened. She fell in the toilet on a practice run. There has been no recovery.

On a recent visit to my parent’s house Rae Rae stood, stiff as a board, in a door way. Her whole body began to quiver and with a red face she launched into a hysterical fit that would make you think she was being stabbed with a million tiny pins.

Matt and I sat quiet and unresponsive. My parents panicked. “What is wrong?” Surely something must be horribly off for her to reach the decibel level that only our neighbors dogs can hear.

She has to poop.” Matt and I spoke in unison.

This is how it goes. She will scream like this for a spot of time before finally giving in and stinking up an entire wing of the house. When I have it in me, three or four days a week, I get down to her level and encourage her by singing songs with homemade lyrics like “Push, push your poopy out! Push it out real good…”

How did I miss this in the parental job description? File this under the Things No One Ever Tells You column.
No fair.

Today was another morning of wearing big girl britches. We read our potty books, watched our movies and talked about actually using her perfectly sized pot. We sat on it for a bit and played with a bucket of warm water and toys, her idea of fun and my attempt to trick her body into going pee. She tried for awhile to convince me that she wasn’t big enough to go because her arms couldn’t reach the dog, who was 13 feet away. Then she told me that she needs to eat some chocolate first to make her go. Yeah, that must be it.

Finally she told me she was ready to “try again later” so we went out to see what Elmo was up to on TV. Within 3 minutes she pee’d all over my couch.

Check please!

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Nov 18 Tuesday

Confession

Originally posted November 18, 2008.

When I open a packet of fruit snacks for my kids, I steal one. Every. Single. Time. They watch me do it too. They never complain. I think they know that you have to pay your dues. Somehow it still feels wrong. That feeling quickly fades once I get to the center of the chewy goodness. I am not such a fan of the Polly Pocket ones. I do love the Cars ones. mmm. Maybe I should go steal one more.

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Nov 10 Monday

Non-Verbal Admission of Guilt

Originally posted November 10,  2008.

Me: “Why is the brand new bottle of fabulous smelling hand soap half gone in the bathroom? There is a sea of blue hued bubbles in the sink and in the toilet.”

*Maddy enters the room and I catch a whiff of the sweet smell of a freshy rained grassy field.

Me: “Maddy, did you use too much hand soap again?”

Maddy: “Mommy, I loooooove yooooou!”

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Nov 03 Monday

Birthday Suit Backfire

Originally posted November 3, 2008.

Cooper: “Dad, what are you going to be for Halloween?”

Super Hub: “I am going to wear my birthday suit!” (Giving me a coy look out of the side of his eye.)

Cooper: “Oooooh. If you wear your birthday suit, you need a clown nose!”

Super Hub: “I do?”

Cooper: “Yes.”

The next night, while walking down a busy street trick or treating…

Cooper: “HEY DAD!”

Super Hub: “Yeah, Cooper?”

Cooper: “YOU FORGOT TO WEAR YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT AND CLOWN NOSE!”

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